Wednesday, March 17, 2010
It's been so sad lately
I haven't been posting lately and thank you to all who sent me nice messages asking after me and to be honest its because I have just been so down and flat and sad. It is not like my life is awful, in fact it is pretty darn good, but I have been low. So invisible and unwanted. It's been bad.
I never normally tell people when I am down as I hate to impose but I think I might indulge this day. You see, it started with being really tired and then not getting a decent break over christmas .I like to retreat to the beach and lay on it and read and just let all the strictness and rules seep from the daily routine - instead it involved a trip to Perth to see my in-laws I haven't seen for over 10 years. My traditional Christmas was disrupted severely and well it was very different and a lot of work. I rushed back to work and yes I love my job but it is intense. Give, give, give.
Then my weight went up which makes me feel so very ugly and awkward. Then my craft mojo when flat and I was bored. I got tired, so very tired. I couldn't focus on reading and I began to sleep really badly. Last week was my birthday and it was horrible. And I just cried all night. I felt fat, sad, invisible, old and unwanted. Pretty bad huh?
However, sliver linings, lemonade out of lemons and all that stuff. I have just had a visit from an old friend and it was wonderful. To have all that attention for three days! You know, that has what has been missing! Attention, the kind I need and I realised I have been sacrificing my share of the attention for everyone else for years now. It is not that I want to be the centre of attention, and want the spotlight all to myself and I do feel a little embarrassed saying this, but we ALL need attention. And in a lot of ways I was not only not taking my share that was there, I was deflecting it and probably rejecting it on occasion. As grown women, mothers, we tend to sell out on ourselves in favour of the family " oh celebrations are for the kids" " I do it for the kids" etc etc. Wreaking havoc on the perception of our worthiness and I know I am not alone in this.
So here is the Lemonade change : Next year I am going to throw myself a party on my birthday. In fact I am going to make sure my special occasions are exactly that. There is a theory that you set the example to people on how to treat you. Eleanor Roservelt summed it well by saying "no one can put you down without your permission"....this is so true. I go out of my way to set a positive example for my children, to lead them with sound values, yet here I am treating myself like...a door mat, a drudge, deserving of nothing and by giving everything away and keeping nothing for myself . It just doesn't fit with my goals of positive parenting - time to adjust this channel!
No siree, I am back on my feet, dusting myself off and marching off to the first appealing destination. Project Worthy Me is now launched!